Our Beloved Tekken Characters
by BahamutZERO
Summary: Peer into the lives of our favorite Tekken characters. Major character bashing in some chapters. Rated R for language and some sexuality.
1. Nina Williams

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Chapter 1: Nina Williams  
  
Nina was walking down the busy crowded streets of Tokyo. Suddenly, Gun Jack came stomping out of an alley. He raised a metallic middle finger at Nina.  
  
"PISS OFF!!" Nina yelled. She ripped off one of Gun Jack's arms and proceeded to beat him over the head with it. Then she ripped off his head and punted it into a dumpster.  
  
"Faggot," she muttered. And so she continued walking.  
  
For no apparent reason, Lei showed up and pointed his gun at Nina. "I'm going to kill you for no reason, bitch!" he yelled. BANG! (insert Matrix- style slow motion) Nina dodged the bullet and ran up to Lei, punching him in the liver.  
  
"AUGH! MY LIVER!" Nina flipped him over and he landed on a cactus. "AUGH! MY BACK!" Then Nina stomped his balls. "AUGH! MY BALLS!" Nina continued walking, leaving Lei crying on the sidewalk.  
  
As luck would have it, Paul rode up on his motorcycle and stepped off, Law stepping off with him. "I suppose you want to try to kill me?" Nina said suspiciously. "That's right, you slut," Paul shot back. Law raised his hand. "Actually, I came to get a snow cone and-" Paul slapped him. "NO! We're here to kill Nina." Law ran at Nina, screaming like chicken with it's head cut off (which makes no sense). Nina punched him in the face, knocking him back.  
  
Law made some weird Bruce Lee noises and started flipping around. Nina whipped out her pepper spray and sprayed it on Law's nuts. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOAHOAHOAHOAHO!!" Nina picked him up and punted him into the same dumpster as Gun Jack's head.  
  
Paul was shocked. "Holy fuck!" Nina turned around and said, "Ready, Paul?" Paul rushed her with a series of blazing fast attacks. Nina dodged them and chopped his collar bone.  
  
.. .. .. ..  
  
No, no she chopped BOTH collar bones, then threw him into a wastebasket. Paul farted and the wastebasket suddenly turned into a horse-drawn carriage. It took off, dragging Paul along behind. "WAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!" Nina smiled as his screams became fainter and fainter.  
  
Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, Heihachi showed up in his thong. "EW!! Heihachi, why do you wear that thing?" Nina said. "Because I want a sex change," was Heihachi's response. Nina threw a garbage can at him followed by a baseball bat, a fire extinguisher, staple gun, anvil, a box of crayons, a dildo, and a Tekken 4 CD case. While he was stunned, Nina ran up and punted him into the same dumpster as Law and Gun Jack's head.  
  
Inside the dumpster, Heihachi found Law face-fucking Gun Jack's head. Heihachi tried to get out, but the lid closed and locked suddenly. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
Nina smirked and continued her walk.  
  
Of course, her ordeal wasn't over. A limo pulled up and the door opened, revealing Anna and Eddy going at it. A disgusted Nina watched as the couple rolled out of the car as it drove off. They both stood up. "I'm going to kill you because Anna told me to," Eddy said proudly. Nina scoffed. "And why did Anna tell you that?" "For no reason at all," Anna cackled. Eddy started break dancing but he never hit anything. Nina grabbed a manhole lid and cracked Eddy across the chest. "OW! MY KNEE!" he yelled, clutching his head. Nina smashed his jaw with the lid and sent him flying into the air.  
  
Just then, the lid to the dumpster opened and Heihachi burst into the air. "GAH! I'M FREE!" Eddy landed on him and they both fell in the dumpster as the lid slammed shut.  
  
Nina turned back towards Anna, manhole lid still in her hand. "Honestly, sister, dear. Do you need weapons to beat me?" Anna asked. Nina shrugged and whipped the lid like a Frisbee. It smacked into Bryan who was walking out of a convenience store with an urge to kill Nina.  
  
Anna started the fight by ripping off what clothing she still had on. Nina simply yanked a telephone pole out of the ground and cracked Anna on the head with it. Then she continued her walk.  
  
Xiaoyu came down from the sky as a Japanese cartoon. "What the hell!?" Nina shrieked. Xiaoyu, with her wobbly eyes, began charging up for her super duper SAILOR MOON MAGIC shit. After screaming and charging for an hour, Nina grabbed her sniper rifle and popped Xiao in the head. Then she walked to her hotel.  
  
As she was about to open the door to her room, Hwoarang stumbled down the hall with 12 joints and 6 cigarettes in his mouth, a needle sticking out of his arm, and an urge to kill Nina for no reason. Nina roundhouse kicked him and dislocated his breastbone, then hung him out the window by his balls.  
  
Nina took a long shower and hit the sack afterwards.  
  
What a day...  
  
-  
  
Go, Nina! Next chapter, Jin Kazama. 


	2. Jin Kazama

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Chapter 2: Jin Kazama  
  
"FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!" The screamed echoed for miles. It echoed so far, that one Kazuya Mishima spit out his coffee, splashing it all over King's face.  
  
"What the hell was that?" King inquired, as he wiped off the coffee.  
  
Kazuya was silent for a moment but then, his eyes widened. "No..." he whispered. "NO! I MUST GO HOME! MY SON IS IN DANGER! UGH, UGH, UGH!!" Kazuya screamed and blasted out the door of the restaurant, arms flapping and leaving a trail of coffee. Everyone stared at King, who sat with a nervous look on his face. "Check please."  
  
Jin was in the bathroom, battling with his one nemesis. His hair gel was not working to keep his spikey hair spikey. He slathered on more and more gel, emptying tube after tube. Suddenly Kazuya burst into the room, where he was greeted with a scream from Jin. "FUCK!"  
  
The force of the scream propelled Kazuya out the room and out of the house, leaving a human shaped hole in the wall. Finally, after throwing down eight tubes of gel, his hair cooperated and stayed spikey. Jin surveyed the destruction he'd caused and just shrugged at the site of his father lying in the grass.  
  
Later, at school, Jin was greeted by Miharu, Xiaoyu, and Julia. "Jin, I want you baby," Julia purred. "I don't know. I might make you scream too much."  
  
"No way, Jin," Miharu protested. "You want to be with. I'll make YOU scream, honey." "Yeah, right," came Julia's voice and the two engaged in a heated slap fight. As they were fighting, Xiaoyu rushed to Jin clasped both hands on his shoulders.  
  
"Jin! Make love to me now!" she yelled, flapping her arms up and down. "NO, DAMMIT!! Okay." And so they both collapsed and made out right there in the hall, as Julia pulled Miharu's hair.  
  
As luck would have it, the principal showed up and pulled the fighting girls apart, both of them flailing about, screaming insults at each other: "He wants me!" "No, he wants me, you dumb sack of shit!" "Don't you DARE call me that, you Jin-Whore!"  
  
They were dragged off by security personnel. The principal turned her attention to Jin and Xiaoyu, who were still engaged in making out, oblivious to the students milling around them. "Ah, yeah! Oh, yeah! UGH!!" The principal was appalled.  
  
"Jin! You will stop this at once!" she commanded. "Go.. fuck.. off," Jin replied in between grunts. "Wait, never mind." Jin got up, got dressed and continued on, like nothing happened at all. Xiaoyu remained on the ground in a state of extreme ecstasy.  
  
Later that night...  
  
"Jin, stop playing with your peas and just eat them," Jun said. Jin continued to play with his peas until Kazuya got fed up. "Jin! Do what your mother tells you!" Jin slammed his fork down and bellowed "YOU DON'T OWN ME!!!" His parents were silent for a moment, but just shrugged and continued eating, as if nothing happened.  
  
A few minutes passed, and Jin spoke up again "Hey, I lost my virginity at school today in the hallway." Again, silence invaded the room. A minute passed... two minutes... three... "THAT'S MY BOY!!" Kazuya cheered. Jun smiled. "I'm so glad, honey."  
  
Kazuya leaned back and said "That's how your mother and I got together." Jun smiled even wider. "That's right, pumpkin! I was entranced by your devilish looks." Then, they jumped on the table and made out right there. Jin pulled away, a look of extreme disgust on his face. "This is like watching a baboon make out with a leopard." Jin retired to the bathroom to prepare for his slumber.  
  
He brushed his teeth, rinsed out his mouth and surveyed his hair. Something was wrong...  
  
"FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK"  
  
-  
  
Coming up: A look into the life of King! 


	3. King

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always  
  
Chapter 3: King  
  
WHAM! The Wing Chung dummy smashed into a wall.  
  
THWACK! It hit the floor.  
  
CRACK! The arm of the dummy was ripped off.  
  
BOING! Kazuya got an erection.  
  
King was practicing his critically acclaimed wrestling skills on a wooden Wing Chung dummy. He grabbed it by the legs and began his Giant Swing throw as his mentor, Armor King, looked on.  
  
Gaining enough momentum, King released the dummy, sending it flying towards Armor King.  
  
"Good job, Ki..." WHAM! AK collapsed to the floor in a heap. King rushed over and knelt beside his mentor. "I am SO sorry!" King whimpered. AK grabbed King by his shoulders and pulled him closer. "King," he said. "I'm dying. I need the sacred healing powers of the Mountain Dew before I can stand again." "Um, but you just have a lump on your head..." "DO NOT MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF!!" King jumped back in surprise. "King, go and find the mystical Mountain Dew and return with it. Only with that can I stand again."  
  
King scratched his head. "Uh, didn't you just say that?" "JUST GO AND GET THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN DEW, YOU MORON!!"  
  
And so King set out on his quest for the Mountain Dew. First, he tried to question others to see if they knew where he could find this Mountain Dew. His first destination was Marshall Law's dojo.  
  
Upon entering, he found the usually student-crowded room completely deserted. Suddenly, the sound of screaming echoed in the room. King rushed to the door where the sound was coming from: "AWWW, YEAH! AWWWWWWWWWWW, YEAH! KEEP IT UP, BABY!!" King knocked on the door and screaming abruptly stopped. Marshall opened the door.  
  
King scratched his head and said "Um, is someone hurt?" "Oh, that was me. I was, uh... practicing my Chi yell. It helps me do those cool back flips."  
  
"I see," came King's reply. "Anyway, do you know where I can find a Mountain Dew?"  
  
"Hmm. I have no clue. Maybe you should ask Jin?" Law answered, rubbing his chin. King left the dojo but as he reached for the door handle, more yelling issued from the room.  
  
BACK AT KING'S HOUSE...  
  
"Man, King was such a sucker," AK said, as he lounged on a beach towel. "I can't wait for my free Mountain Dew."  
  
King headed for the Mishima household. He knocked on the door and it opened, revealing Jun.  
  
"My, my. King! It's so good to see you," Jun said, as she let King inside. The leopard man timidly walked in where he was greeted by Kazuya. However, the front of his pants had a strange triangular bulge.  
  
"What?" Kazuya asked, when he saw King staring at the bulge.  
  
"Nothing, nothing. Um, I'm looking for Jin. Is he here?"  
  
"Why yes, he is," Jun said as she led King upstairs. She knocked on the door and a voice yelled "COME!"  
  
Jun ushered King inside and quickly shut the door behind him. King saw Jin bent over in front a mirror, examining something very closely. King carefully walked forwards.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"What is it?" came Jin's curt reply.  
  
"Did I come at a bad time?" Jin slowly stood and turned around. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with him.  
  
"I believe you did," Jin said. "This one bang is out of alignment." Jin pointed at his perfectly plain hair.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that. Anyway, I'm searching for a Mountain Dew. Do you know where I could find one?"  
  
Jin's jaw dropped. "You came all the way out here to ask me where you can find a Mountain Dew? Just go to a stupid grocery store."  
  
And so King did.  
  
He entered the store and searched the aisles thoroughly, passing by the Mountain Dew cases twice. Finally, he bumped into Lei, who hastily hid a bunch of small bottles and boxes behind his back.  
  
"Oh, hi, Lei. Do you know where the Mountain Dew is?" Lei said nothing and pointed to the shelves.  
  
"Thanks a lot," King said, as Lei hastily shouldered past him. As he walked off, King saw the items he was hiding behind his back. "KY? Trojan Man? Must be doing some police work or something."  
  
King selected a 2 liter bottle and, paid for it, and headed home.  
  
AK heard the front door opening. He quickly ran out to the back yard and hit the ground, faking his moaning. "OH! OW, IT HURTS!"  
  
King rushed to his side and triumphantly raised the bottle of Mountain Dew over his head. "I have returned with the sacred...!" SMASH! The Wing Chung dummy hit King and knocked him out. AK was furious.  
  
"What the hell!? This is Code Red! I wanted a regular Mountain Dew, you simplistic fuck!"  
  
King cowered beneath his mentor. "I-I-I-I only had e-enough money to pay f- for one bottle."  
  
AK became even more furious. "That's it! You know what's coming." AK undid his belt and folded it several times, making a whip.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
-  
  
Coming up: a day in the life of Paul Phoenix! 


	4. Paul Phoenix

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always  
  
Chapter 4: Paul Phoenix  
  
Paul was riding along a mountain trail on his motorcycle, feeling the wind whip in his face and the scenery pass like a blur.  
  
Suddenly, his stomach began growling and he felt a strange, moving sensation in his lower region. He was building up for something big. He stopped his motorcycle and waited, the contractions becoming stronger and stronger.  
  
Then, he let out an astronomically huge fart.  
  
The ground rumbled, the sea boiled and a rock slide started, sending several huge boulders down the path, blocking it.  
  
Paul smirked; this was no problem. He charged up his fist and executed a Phoenix Smasher on the debris.  
  
"OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"  
  
Paul stumbled back, shaking his fist. It had no effect!  
  
"Son of a bitch," he muttered. Just then, he felt another fart brewing. He bent over and blasted it out, blowing away the two ton boulders into the sky. Paul smirked again, got on his motorcycle and rode to town to his dojo.  
  
Upon entering, he found the students crowded around the TV. They were expected to show great respect for Paul, so they were watching a tape Paul made called "Hooked on Phoenix." Paul also found Forrest Law watching the tape in awe.  
  
"Attention!" Paul yelled.  
  
The students snapped up and faced Paul, hands at their sides except for one, who stood lazily about. Paul grabbed the "Hooked on Phoenix" tape and chucked it at him.  
  
"Hey! When I say 'Attention!,' I expect you to show some respect. Today's task is to wail on that guy until he gets the message!"  
  
Pandemonium took over as the students proceeded to beat up the disrespectful orange-belt. Paul went over to Forrest, who was still standing at attention.  
  
"At ease," Paul said.  
  
"Oh, thank you, Paul," came Forrest's reply.  
  
"So, how's the old man? Anything new?  
  
"Well, Marshall built another dojo and another restaurant. He's starting a legacy! He's attracting more students than anyone in the world!"  
  
Paul leaned against the wall and whistled. "Sounds like quite an accomplishment."  
  
"It sure is. Marshall sent me here today to show your students how to do those awesome back flips we can do. He said everyone should learn how to do those cool back flips."  
  
"Yeah, let's do that," Paul said. He whistled again and the students stopped what they were doing and stood at attention again.  
  
"Today, class," Paul said. "We have a special guest. He hails from all the way across the street, please welcome the son of a legend, Forrest Law."  
  
The students clapped politely as Law walked to the front of the class.  
  
"Alright," he said. "Today, I'm going to show you how to do these really cool back flips. Everyone should know how to do them. They're so cool, it's hard to believe. I will demonstrate."  
  
Law did a perfect back flip, gracefully, fluidly, and smoothly. He landed back on his feet and bowed as the class politely clapped again.  
  
And so, for the rest of the day, the class practiced the move. No one could get it right. One of the students approached Law and said "Please show us again!"  
  
Law chuckled and said "Alright, if you want." Man, I'm so cool, he added silently.  
  
Law did another back flip, this time smashing into the ceiling and blacking out. Everyone stood staring at Forrest. Paul cleared his throat and said "Then, I guess I'll demonstrate."  
  
Paul focused his chi. He was putting his reputation on the line. If he failed in execution of this back flip, he would go out of business. As he was about to do it, he felt a strange sensation in his stomach.  
  
Paul soared through the air, getting half-way done at the apex of his leap. Suddenly, a massive fart exploded, and the students all blacked out. Paul landed on his feet as Forrest did.  
  
"Holy shit! I did it!" Paul's jaw dropped when he saw what he had done. Forrest stirred on the ground.  
  
"Ugh, what happened?" He said. He sniffed the air, rolled his eyes into the back of head, and blacked out again.  
  
Even Paul wasn't feeling so well. He became dizzy. He stumbled around the room, trying to find the door but as he reached for the handle, he blacked out.  
  
-  
  
By popular demand, Hwoarang is coming up next. 


	5. Hwoarang

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always  
  
Chapter 5: Hwoarang  
  
Hwoarang awoke. Rubbing the sleepiness out of eyes, he opened the lid of his dumpster and climbed out, stretching in the morning sun. Suddenly, he felt dizzy and fell back a few steps.  
  
"Whoa. I feel totally stoned. Guess I shouldn't have gone so far last night," he thought, thinking about all the drugs he had consumed the night before. He groggily walked down the street, searching for some more weed. Or maybe a friend who had some weed. He went to the department store, the local club, and the local whore house. No weed. Damn.  
  
He returned to his dumpster and went to sleep that night.  
  
Again, he woke in the morning, jumping out of the dumpster and stretching in the sun. Then he went to look for some weed. However, he stopped himself.  
  
"Wait, this day is just like the one before," he thought. That's when it dawned on him.  
  
"I'M STUCK IN A TIME LOOP!" he yelled. He went to see Julia, since she was so smart, she could figure out what to do.  
  
Hwoarang walked over to the research building and addressed the guard.  
  
"Dude, I need to see Julia, or something," he said in a slurred voice. "Uh, actually, I forgot what I was doing here. Maybe I was... was..." he stuttered and walked around lazily before yelling "CHICKEN DIPPERS!"  
  
He then blacked out.  
  
"Hwoarang. Hwoarang! Hwoa- Hoorang. No, wait... Hwowrung! Dammit. Okay, Bob, wake up!" Hwoarang woke with a start.  
  
"Now I remember! Julia, I have a problem!"  
  
Lei stared at him. "Julia's in the other room."  
  
Hwoarang stared around blankly and then proceeded to the door. He opened it to find Julia studying several plants and writing results on a chart.  
  
"Julia, I need help."  
  
"You certainly do."  
  
"No, no. I mean, I'm stuck in a time loop."  
  
Julia gave him a strange look. "What do you mean "a time loop?"  
  
Hwoarang explained: "Well, everyday when I wake up, it's the same day as before! It keeps repeating!"  
  
Julia smiled, catching on to his predicament. "Um, it only seems that way because you have no job or goals. So all you do every day is look for weed and sleep in dumpsters."  
  
Hwoarang was about to say something when he spotted Julia taking out a pack of cigarettes. "CHICKEN DIPPERS!" He rushed at her, grabbed the pack, and jumped out the window.  
  
Later, he felt tired so he opened a dumpster, climbed in, and went to sleep. Of course, he woke up and his day started all over again.  
  
"This can't be happening. I know what's going to happen today. I'm going to go look for weed, get tired, and then see Julia. Why does this happen. Well, there's fighting the passage of time so I guess I'll go along."  
  
So he looked for some weed and went to see Julia.  
  
"Why the hell did you come back here!? I just told you, you're not in a time loop! And give me back my cigarettes!"  
  
Hwoarang shrugged. "Sorry, I smoked them all... at the same time. But listen, I only came back here because that's what's supposed to happen. I'm in a time loop and I'm supposed to come here, so here I am."  
  
Julia sighed and said, "Look, you don't HAVE to come here."  
  
"Yes, I do!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm a time- CHICKEN DIPPERS!" Then, he jumped out the window.  
  
Again, he woke up and it was all the same (he managed to get past Julia's extra security detail by babbling like an idiot until they got so annoyed they left). And again, e jumped out the window. "CHICKEN DIPPERS!"  
  
However, one day, he woke up and it was raining outside.  
  
"HEY! I'm not in a time loop after all! This is great! Now to look for some weed."  
  
Julia was quietly reading a book. All was silent. However, she jumped and fell out of her chair when she heard a faint echo: "CHICKEN DIPPERS!"  
  
-  
  
Coming next: Kuma 


	6. Kuma

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always  
  
Chapter 6: Kuma  
  
Click.  
  
Kuma flicked the TV on with the remote and sat down on the couch. No amount of time could satisfy his insatiable desire to watch TV. The hours dragged on.  
  
Occasionally, he would get up to eat something or use the bathroom, but as soon as he was finished, he'd plop right back down. Finally, Heihachi entered the room.  
  
"Kuma," he said. "That is enough. You must walk with me."  
  
Kuma gave a low growl of disappointment and reluctantly turned off his favorite show: Pokemon. The two went outside and walked among the gardens of the ridiculously huge Mishima estate. Kuma wasn't paying any attention to Heihachi's ramblings. He was thinking of one thing that that he like the most, besides TV.  
  
Panda.  
  
Yes, he was madly in love and would do anything to get her to notice him. But how?  
  
Later, Kuma returned to the TV set and watched it for several more hours. Suddenly, an ad popped up about these strange phrases called "pick-up lines."  
  
It was midday at the Mishima Polytechnical High School. She would be out here soon. Kuma knew that. He needed to find some way to get that stupid girl, Xiaoyu away from her. Kuma sat down and thought for a moment. Then, he got an idea. And it had nothing to do with flowers.  
  
Xaioyu came out of the building talking up a storm with a Panda. Kuma waited by the gate, ready to put his plan into motion. Closer, closer... Then...  
  
WHACK!!  
  
Kuma jumped out from his hiding spot and bashed poor Xaioyu with a baseball bat. She hit the ground, extremely dead. Kuma and Panda eyed each other for a moment before Panda said in bear language "It's about time. I was wondering when you were going to do that."  
  
Kuma did a bear smile. "Now for that groovy pick-up line from TV," he thought. He stood up straight and said "Let's screw, you bitch." Panda happily obliged and they trotted off to the woods.  
  
Kuma couldn't believe this wonderful turn of events. For the longest time, Panda had always shunned and ignored him but now, she was his to screw. Soon they would be united as one, so to speak.  
  
Panda stretched out on the ground, showing off her "equipment." Kuma used a bear grin and settled himself atop Panda, his mind screaming with the burning desire to take her. But suddenly, things turned for the worse.  
  
Panda stopped him and inquired one question that would really screw up Kuma's "plans." "You wouldn't happen to have any, uh... protection, would you?" SHIT!! Kuma sprang to his feet and said "Okay, just stay in that position and I'll be right back."  
  
Kuma raced back to the Mishima estate as fast as his feet could carry him. Only man could help him.  
  
Heihachi sat silently meditating when the door burst open. He looked up at the looming animal. "What can I help you with?" Kuma explained the situation in bear language, which Heihachi could understand for some reason.  
  
"So what exactly do you need from me?" Heihachi asked, curiously. After Kuma sat silently for a few seconds, it dawned on him. "Oh... ooohhhhh..." Heihachi reached into his drawer and pulled out a condom that was roughly as wide as his fist. "Will this do?" Kuma nodded happily and grabbed the condom. Then, he went back to the woods...  
  
Two huge roars issued from the forest and reached the ears of Kazuya Mishima. He sat straight up in bed. "The fuck was that?" he asked his wife, Jun. "I don't know honey. All I know is that I can't stand in another minute. COME HERE!" Unable to think of a reason to not return to bed with Jun, he jumped back in.  
  
"I think what we just did is only legal in several countries," Panda giggled excitedly. The two got up and returned to the Mishima estate. As they passed by the high school, they found the body of Xaioyu lying on the ground. "Hmm... she's still dead," Kuma said thoughtfully.  
  
When they got back, Panda sat down with Kuma on the couch, as Kuma flicked the TV on again. "You know, I was thinking..." she said. Kuma stared straight ahead.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
No response.  
  
"Kuma?"  
  
No response.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
No response.  
  
"FUCK THIS! I'm leaving, you insensitive bastard!"  
  
With that, she stormed out of the room. Two minutes later, Kuma looked up and said "I'm sorry, what?"  
  
*  
  
Tune in next time for a day in the life of Kazuya Mishima. 


	7. Kazuya Mishima

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Author's note: I know, I haven't updated for ages! I've been so busy with school and drama that I just didn't have to sit down and start writing. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!  
  
Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 7: Kazuya Mishima  
  
Kazuya sent a powerful punch into a bag, spilling the sand all over the floor. "Shit! That's the fifth time this week," Kazuya said. Jun, who had been observing from the small bench set aside, nodded in agreement. "That's right, pumpkin," she said. "You're too good." Kazuya shrugged and said "That's right. I'm so good at fighting that no one can beat me. Everyone wants to be as good as me." Jin suddenly bent over laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?" Kazuya said as his eyes narrowed.  
  
"Man, you're so full of shit," Jin replied. At this, Kazuya stepped forward and stare right into Jin's eyes.  
  
"Perhaps you'd like to test that theory?" Kazuya could barely contain his anger.  
  
Jin peeled off his shirt, pulled on a pair of sparring gloves and took up a defensive fighting position. Jun stood between the two fighters and announced in the Tekken 4 announcer voice "Round 1. Fight."  
  
Kazuya immediately started with an attack that would kill any normal man; he started feebly beating his fists against Jin's chest while making sissy noises. Jin sighed and delivered a "Demon Paw," knocking his father clear across the room. "OK," Jun said in the announcer voice. "I mean, KO."  
  
Kazuya was amazed that his attack didn't work. "I'll show him," he thought, as his inner rage began to surface. They took up positions again and Jun announced the next bout. Jin started with a vicious combo; a jab and high kick followed by two punches and ending with a low shin kick, the coveted "Kazama Style 5 Hit Combo." Kazuya blocked the attacks and retaliated with a "Glorious Demon God Fist." Jin brushed the attack aside and retaliated with a "Front Thrust Kick." Smirking, Kazuya dodged it and sent a jab right into Jin's "sensitive" region.  
  
Jin collapsed, holding his groin. Jun cried out "Disqualified! Attacking a person's junk is illegal!"  
  
"WHAT!?" Kazuya blurted out. "I won that match fair and square!"  
  
"Sorry, honey pumpkin. The rules say you can't do it."  
  
"But Nina does it all the time!"  
  
"That's because she is a woman."  
  
Kazuya stormed out of the dojo, fuming.  
  
Later that night...  
  
Kazuya was about to turn in for the night when Jun walked in. She sat on the bed next to her husband and tried to comfort him.  
  
"I'm sorry about what happened. I know it's a quite blow to your ego when you get the shit beaten out of you by your own son," Jun said. "Oh, please excuse my use of the word 'shit.'"  
  
Kazuya just stared at the ground, gloomily.  
  
"I think I know what honey pumpkin needs," Jun said seductively as she unzipped her silk blouse. She then struck a match and lit several candles to make the scene more romantic.  
  
"Maybe losing wasn't so bad after all," Kazuya thought as he turned to face Jun. At least the night wouldn't go by idly.  
  
Jun removed the blouse completely and shoved her breasts in Kazuya's face. "Ah, that's always nice," came Kazuya's muffled reply to this generous offer. However, he felt a strange sensation in his nose.  
  
"AH-CHOO!!"  
  
"SHIT!" Kazuya yelled.  
  
"It's okay," Jun replied, whipping off the phlegm with a tissue. She tried to go back to Kazuya but he stood and said "I need a drink of water. Be right back." Slightly irritated, Jun sat back on the bed.  
  
Kazuya walked into the kitchen and began searching for a glass. "Where the hell are the glasses!?" he yelled, throwing dishes out of a cupboard.  
  
"In the cabinet next to the refrigerator!" Jun yelled back, above the din of the plates smashing on the floor. Kazuya found a glass and filled it with cool water from the sink. He drank his fill and returned to the bedroom, where Jun happily pushed him down on the bed. They engaged in a short make out session.  
  
Short because Kazuya accidentally knocked one of the candles over with his elbow, setting the curtains ablaze.  
  
"FUCK ME!" Kazuya screamed, trying to douse the flames. "EVERYONE OUT!!"  
  
And so they ran out of the house and watched it burn down. Jin came running out a moment later and turned to watch as the house slowly became a pile of smoldering wood. Just then, Lei showed up in his squad car.  
  
"Well, what do we have- OOH LA LA!!"  
  
Jun had forgotten to put her clothes back on.  
  
"M-Mom!?" Jin whispered, his hand over his mouth.  
  
Kazuya stood in front of Jun and stared at Lei, a deep anger in his eyes. "I've had enough you trying to seduce my wife. YOU WILL PAY!"  
  
With that, Kazuya used a "Lightning Screw Uppercut" to send Lei flying into the stratosphere. Jun turned to her husband.  
  
"Think we have enough time to do it in the woods?" she asked. An ear-to-ear grin spread across Kazuya's face.  
  
-  
  
I'm going to try and make updates more frequent. Next up, Lee Chaolan with a special guest appearance! 


	8. Lee Chaolan

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Author's note: Another update coming ages after the last chapter! I hope you enjoy this! (And I don't own anything)  
  
Chapter 8: Lee Chaolan  
  
FLASH! A sliver streak blazed across the highway. Lee was driving down the interstate in his Mustang, going over 200 MPH. Suddenly, he saw the familiar blue and red flashing lights.  
  
"Shit," he muttered as he let up on the gas pedal. Lee pulled over and a squad car pulled up behind him. Lee took a peek in rear-view mirror and spotted Lei coming towards him.  
  
"Damn!" Lee whispered to himself. This was the seventh time in three months. When was Lei going to get off his case?  
  
Lei came up to the side of Lee's vehicle and looked over the car. He then approached Lee and whipped out his ticket book.  
  
"License and registration, please," Lei demanded. Lee pulled out his wallet and handed his driver's license to Lei. Lei looked it over and began writing a ticket.  
  
"Weren't you going just a tad fast back there? I mean, the sign says 'Speed Limit 65.' Why were you going so fast?" Lei asked.  
  
"Well," Lee said. "To be perfectly honest, I was running from you. But since you're such a pain in the ass, I should have known I wouldn't get away."  
  
Lei just nodded and gave Lee his license back and a ticket.  
  
"Well, from now on, just slow it down, or I'll drag you down to the station and throw you in an 8 x 8 cell, buddy," came Lei's response. At this point, Lee, who had looked at the ticket and saw the amount at $8000, jumped out of his car and prepared to attack Lei.  
  
"Hey, cop!" he yelled. "FUCK YOU!" Lei stopped and slowly turned around. He drew his gun and aimed it at Lee's forehead.  
  
"Care to repeat that?" Lei said, the edge of authority in his voice. Without warning, a red figure flew down from the sky. Sword gleaming in the sun, the figure cut off Lei's hand. A screaming Lei backed off as the figure stood there, sheathing its sword. Lei picked up his hand.  
  
"You were lucky!" he yelled. "We'll meet again!" With that he drove off.  
  
The figure, which appeared to be some sort of cyborg ninja turned and faced Lee.  
  
"Who are you?" Lee demanded.  
  
"I am like you; I have no dick," the ninja replied.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about!?" Lee yelled back. Then, inwardly he said "How did he know that?"  
  
"Neither enemy nor friend. I am back from a world where such words are meaningless. I will fuck you or you fuck me. It makes no difference."  
  
"I still have no idea what you're babbling about!" Lee yelled. Suddenly, the ninja leaped up and attempted to stomp Lee. The silver haired man dove to the side to avoid the attack. He could have sworn the ninja was cackling.  
  
"Now, make me feel it! Make me feel fucked again!"  
  
The ninja unsheathed its sword; which actually tuned out to be the biggest dildo Lee had ever seen. The ninja rushed at Lee, swinging the dildo around. Lee jumped and rolled over the hood of his car. While the ninja was recovering, Lee grabbed his cell phone and dialed a number.  
  
-  
  
The phone rang. Jun picked it up. "Hello?"  
  
"Is Kazuya there? This is Lee."  
  
"Hold on a minute. Kazuya! Honey pumpkin! Lee is on the phone for you!"  
  
Kazuya stomped down the stairs and took the cordless phone from his wife.  
  
"What the hell do you want, twit?"  
  
"Kazuya! There is a ninja man chasing me with a giant rubber dildo! HELP!"  
  
"He's just playing with you. Why don't you try throwing away your weapons."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Throw away your weapons."  
  
"I don't have any weapons! What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"Put the cell phone down and punch the ninja in the face. Don't you remember that your cell phone has gun on it?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I installed that along with the camera, ATM machine, and dish washer the other day. I forgot all about those! Thanks, Kaz!"  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
-  
  
Lee threw his cell phone in the road and put his arms up in defense. "Bring it, bitch," he whispered. The ninja rushed again with a horizontal dildo swing. Lee ducked underneath and came back up with an uppercut, connecting cleanly with the ninja's chin. The ninja faltered back.  
  
"Ah, good! Now we can fight as warriors! Balls to hand is the basis of all combat! Only a fool trusts his orgasm to a sex toy!"  
  
"What on earth are you-" Lee was cut short as the ninja attempted to stomp him again. Lee stepped aside and retaliated with Silver Cyclone. The ninja was knocked flat on his back.  
  
"That's good, Lee! Hurry up and fuck me!"  
  
With that, the ninja disappeared. Lee walked around the car, eyes sharp for any sign of his adversary. Suddenly, the ninja appeared in front of him. With a swing from the dildo, Lee was knocked clear across the road. Lee felt as if he had been hit with a truck.  
  
"Damn, that's one firm dildo," Lee said.  
  
The ninja leaped across the road and tried to use a downward stab. Lee rolled to the side and got up just in time to receive another stab from the dildo. Lee grabbed the end and used it to flip the ninja over his back.  
  
"HAHAHA!" Lee yelled. "EWWW!!" He quickly tossed the dildo aside.  
  
"Like old times," the ninja whispered. "I've been waiting for this pleasure!"  
  
Lee focused his energies and assaulted the ninja with every thing he had.  
  
A punch in the face. "Ah, I remember, that fuck." A kick in the shin. "Fuck me more!" A roundhouse in the chest. "Do you remember, Lee? The feel of fucking! The clashing of skin and... um... skin!" A jab to the throat. "That's good, Lee."  
  
"I can't take this anymore!" Lee screamed. "I am not having sex with you! Why do you keep yelling things like that you sick, twisted, perverted moron!"  
  
"Ah, I felt that," the ninja said calmly. "Do you remember me now?"  
  
Lee thought about for a moment. "No," he said.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The ninja's scream was ear-splitting. He began banging his head on the ground. "I-I-I-I am losing myself!" With that, he jumped up and ran off.  
  
Lee stood there for a moment, trying to make some sense of what just happened. Unable to come to a logical conclusion, he shrugged and hopped in his Mustang. He began to accelerate. Faster and faster...  
  
Soon, he was going over 200 MPH. He glanced in his rear-view mirror and spotted the familiar blue and red flashing lights.  
  
"Shit," he muttered.  
  
-  
  
Next chapter: Eddy goes to school! 


	9. Eddy Gordo

Our Beloved Tekken Characters By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: It's the same; it's that good.  
  
Chapter 9: Eddy Gordo  
  
Eddy awoke with a start from the blaring cacophony of his alarm clock. He groggily reached over and slapped the button, turning off the cursed machine. He rolled over in bed and let his eyes droop shut. Just when he was about to go back to sleep, the door was kicked open and Christie entered the room.  
  
"HEY! GET OUT OF BED!" she said calmly.  
  
Eddy sat up and pondered. "What the hell is-?" he started.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG, EDDY?" Christie said in a very soft voice.  
  
"Umm, you're talking in... uh, well, the caps are..."  
  
"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? COME ON, YOU'RE GOING TO MISS YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL."  
  
Christie left and Eddy was left sitting up in his bed. He got up and walked out to eat breakfast. Once finished, he headed for Mishima Poly-Technical High School.  
  
The hallways were congested with students milling about, almost aimlessly. Some hurried to their classes; others loitered around. Eddy shouldered his way past a group of giggling girls and bumped into Jin.  
  
Jin raised an eyebrow and said, "So, you've finally decided to get educated. I was wondering about you."  
  
Eddy managed a small smile. "Well, Christie kept annoying me about it and-"  
  
Eddy was cut off by a high-pitched scream. Xiaoyu bolted down the hallway, jumping off the walls and doing a double back flip, landing right next to Jin.  
  
"Jin!" she squealed. "I can't take this anymore! I NEED YOUR BODY!" Jin shrugged and the two immediately engaged in a make-out session right there on the floor.  
  
Eddy shrugged and continued to his first class...  
  
...only to find that it was taught by Kazuya Mishima. Kazuya glared at Eddy and pointed to an empty seat in the back row, which was roughly 100 feet away from the board. Eddy took his seat and waited for Kazuya to start.  
  
A small moaning noise issued form the left, and Eddy glanced over to see Hwoarang, quite high at the moment, smoking 12 cigarettes at once.  
  
Kazuya cleared his throat, "ATTENTION! This class begins now! I want you all to take out a paper and pencil and write down what you did over the summer. If you don't like that, then I will toss you out the window."  
  
Eddy got started right away. He had some sympathy for Forest Law, who was fidgeting with his pencil sharpener. Kazuya casually strolled over.  
  
"Are we having a problem?" he thundered.  
  
The petrified Law answered in a high voice: "Well, it seems to be broken."  
  
Kazuya eyed him for a moment longer, then, without warning, picked up Law by his shirt and flung him across the room. Law smashed into the wall and fell to the floor.  
  
"What the hell!? You're a fucking teacher, you can't do this!" Law screamed.  
  
"HEY!" Kazuya retorted. "No goddamn profanity!" With that, Kazuya kicked Law in the face with a roundhouse and followed up with a Dragon Uppercut, knocking Law to the other side of the room. While Law was getting up, Kazuya crouched low, with his right leg extended, and spun on the ball of his heel, sweeping Law's feet out from underneath him.  
  
"I'll teach you some respect, boy!" Kazuya shouted as he picked up Law and threw him out the window. Law landed face-first into Wang's lap.  
  
"Well, hello!" Wang happily said. He gave Law a quick spank.  
  
"SHIT!"  
  
Kazuya smugly looked out the window and then turned to see Hwoarang slouched in his chair.  
  
"Dude, I just saw you throw that guy out the... uh... the... thing."  
  
"A window?" Kazuya inquired.  
  
"Yeah, dude, that was messed up. I think, I... whoa, colors... um... CHICKEN DIPPERS!" Hwoarang got up and defenestrated himself. Kazuya looked out the window to see Hwoarang splash down in the fountain.  
  
"Okay, class," Kazuya. "Who would like to read his or her paper?"  
  
Paul raised his hand and bounded up to the front of the class. He cleared his throat and began to read: "All was dark. I entered the room and the fragrance of a freshly lit candle entered my senses. Nina was stretched out on the bed, a seductive smile spread across her perfect face. I came closer and she beckoned me to sit down. I did so and slowly began to slip off her blouse-"  
  
"What the hell is this shit!?" Kazuya interrupted.  
  
"Well, you told us to write what we did over the summer," Paul shot back in defense.  
  
"Is this really what you did, or is it just another one of your perverted fantasies?"  
  
Paul went beat red. He wasn't red for long, though, as Kazuya executed an Electric Wind God Fist, sending Paul out the window to land in a dumpster. The bell suddenly rang and Eddy hastily left the class in order to avoid Kazuya's wrath.  
  
At lunch, Eddy sat next to Yoshimitsu, who was twirling a fork with his mechanized hand. Eddy spotted Christie walking in and headed towards her.  
  
"WELL, HOW IS IT GOING, EDDY?"  
  
"Um, why is your dialogue in caps?"  
  
Everyone stared at Eddy, who continued to question Christie.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"  
  
"Look, you just did it again!"  
  
Getting impatient, Christie started break dancing for no reason. Eddy joined in and soon the entire room gathered around to watch the two (except for Jin and Xiaoyu, who were making out on a table).  
  
Kazuya suddenly showed up.  
  
"What in the high holy fuck is going on here!?" he shouted. Everyone spun around and cowered as Kazuya's devil side started to show. He rushed forward and grabbed Christie, punting her into an oven.  
  
"Hey!" Eddy yelled. "I can't believe you did that! What was she doing wrong!?"  
  
"AUGH!" Everyone turned around to see Xiaoyu and Jin, still making out. Xiaoyu smiled, glad that everyone was noticing their pre-marital sex, but frowned when everyone turned back to Kazuya and Eddy.  
  
"HEY! THERE IS NO FUCKING PROFANITY IN THIS SCHOOL, DAMN IT!" Kazuya turned purple, fur swept down his legs, his eyes turned blood red, two horns shot up from his head, and a pair of leathery wings sprouted from his shoulders.  
  
Eddy backed off a little, fearful of the inevitable beating. Kazuya advanced, intent on killing Eddy. Just when he was about to, Jun came up behind Kazuya.  
  
"Honey-pumpkin, stop this!"  
  
Kazuya turned and gave her some puppy dog eyes.  
  
"But, snoogy woogy-" he began.  
  
"Don't you 'snoogy woogy' me! How dare you attack innocent people like that! And would you fucking stop with the swearing?"  
  
Kazuya reverted back to his old self.  
  
"AUGH!" Again, everyone turned to see Xiaoyu gleefully riding on Jin. Her glee, however was short lived.  
  
"JIN! You will stop this at once!" Jun shouted.  
  
"AH! UGH! Okay, I'm done." He got up and left (without putting his clothes on), leaving Xaioyu staring at the ceiling in wonderment.  
  
"Oh," she said in a dreamy voice. "I'm done, too."  
  
Eddy walked up to Jun and thanked her. "I thought Kazuya was going to kill me. Is he always like this?"  
  
"No, just when he's mad," Jun said, smiling. "Other than that, he's a cute, cuddly pumpkin!" She and Kazuya immediately hit the floor and made out. Eddy quickly backed off.  
  
Jin and Xaioyu were at it again as well.  
  
Steve suddenly fondled Nina's breasts. "What the-!" She slapped Steve, who went spiraling through the air, landing on a grill. "WAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!"  
  
Without warning, Hwoarang smashed through a window with a bottle of glue stuffed up his nose. He raised his hand as if to say something, and then collapsed.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?" Eddy wondered aloud. Without any answer, he headed home (not bothering to help Christie out of the oven).  
  
LATER  
  
"I had no idea Paul was going to give a speech before the school board," Eddy whispered to Christie.  
  
"ME NEITHER." Eddy gave her a sideways glance and then turned his attention back to Paul.  
  
"...perfect face. I came closer and she beckoned me to sit down. I did so and slowly began to slip off her blouse-"  
  
CENSOR:  
  
DUE TO THE NATURE OF PAUL'S SPEECH, IT WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE FINAL VERSION OF THIS CHAPTER.  
  
SORRY.  
  
=  
  
I know, that chapter was really weird, but "weird" is my middle name. Not really... Did I fool you? I guess not. Anyway, next chapter: Bryan Fury. 


	10. Bryan Fury

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Tekken. Really, I don't.  
  
Author's note: WHOA! I can't believe the kind of feedback I'm getting! Thanks to all who reviewed (and if you read it and didn't review, thanks anyway).  
  
Lil' Reeses Cup 2010- I was never particularly keen on raising the rating but after looking at some of the old chapters, I decided it might not be such a bad idea after all. From now on, this story will have an R rating.  
  
Burraku Ookami- For this chapter, I was thinking almost the same thing you were.  
  
On with the story!  
  
=  
  
"Ugh."  
  
Bryan's eyes slowly opened. A blaring light above him pounded on his weakened retinas. He squinted and shielded his eyes from the obnoxious light. Soon, the sound of a chair moving pulled his gaze over to the left.  
  
A small old man wearing a lab coat was sitting on the chair. With some difficulty, he got up and approached the slick metal "bed" Bryan was lying on.  
  
The man flicked a switch and the lighting dimmed to a more comfortable level. Slightly blinded, Bryan rose up on his hands and looked the man in the eyes.  
  
"So," he said. "You've finally awoke."  
  
"Argh." Bryan held his head on one hand. He had one hell of a headache. He looked up and said, "Dr. Abel, how are still alive? I thought I kicked your ass across the room in my Tekken 4 ending."  
  
Abel chuckled and motioned over to a large hole in the wall, shaped like a human being.  
  
"You certainly did. However, I had my ASS PACK on. I created this nifty for times like that. Basically, if I get knocked across a room, the ASS PACK will soften the blow on my old, sagging, wrinkly ass and-"  
  
"Spare me the details," Bryan moaned. He fell back on the bed.  
  
"I suppose you're wondering why I am here?" Dr. Abel said.  
  
Bryan thought about it and tried to think back to before he fell asleep. Let's see, he met Dr. B., he explained some shit, Yoshi was there, and then Dr. B. put him to sleep, saying he was going to be reborn in a new body. Bryan looked down on himself and found that he was just the same as before.  
  
Abel noticed this and chuckled again. "Well," he cackled, "I couldn't reverse the process once it started. I gathered together some of Heihachi's Tekken forces and we ran Yoshimitsu and Boskonovitch out of here. Then, I just waited..."  
  
"But, what about this new body?" Bryan inquired.  
  
"Oh, you have a new body, alright," Abel shot back. "The size of your penis has doubled!"  
  
Bryan jumped off the bed. "WHAT!?" There had to be some truth to this. After all, his pants did fell a bit tighter than usual.  
  
"So, this key to defeating your bio-weapon is-?"  
  
"-contained within your dick," Able finished for him. "Unfortunately, I can only access it when you die naturally. Old age, you see."  
  
Bryan nodded. "So basically I just need to stay alive until I die from old age? I can do that."  
  
With that, Bryan got up and left the lab. He climbed the stairs up into the antechamber and then walked out in the gleaming sun. Without warning, a honking noise issued from down the street. Bryan turned just in time to see a truck headed his way.  
  
Bryan awoke with a start in the lab. "What the fuck just happened!?"  
  
Abel was bent over laughing. "You just got run over by a truck! I had to bring you back to life. You see, in this new body, you have lost all of your zombie powers. Basically, you are no more powerful than the average human. That means no more surviving a hail of bullets, and no more ripping turrets off of tanks and hurling them down streets."  
  
"Damn, that was so fun."  
  
"Well, just be careful out there. Every time I bring you back to life, we start over. So just try not to die."  
  
Bryan left the lab again. With no real goals or prospects in life, he decided to go do the next best thing: eat.  
  
Bryan walked into a Red Lobster and ordered a medium-sized lobster. As he was sitting in the air-conditioned room, he saw Paul and Jack walk into the restaurant. They sat down at a table right across from Bryan.  
  
The former zombie was about to say something when his order arrived: the waiter placed a large platter with a lobster on it in front of Bryan. Bryan couldn't wait to dig in.  
  
"Hmmm," he thought. "I wonder how one eats a lobster?"  
  
He looked around and saw people doing some very complicated things for eating their lobsters. With nothing to do, Bryan picked up the lobster by the thorax, opened his mouth, clamped down on its head, and bit it off.  
  
"MMMM!" he moaned aloud. "This shit's good!"  
  
He continued to munch on his lobster. Each bite into its hard shell caused some of the greasy juices to spray out and land on Paul's hair. The angered biker turned around.  
  
"Do you mind!?" he yelled. Bryan gulped down a particularly large chunk of lobster and responded: "Sorry, but I haven't been able to enjoy a good lobster in a long time."  
  
Paul turned back around while Bryan stuffed the last of the lobster down his throat. He was about to get up and leave when:  
  
"Freeze!" A gunshot rang out and everyone ducked for cover. Bryan looked up to see Lei entering the restaurant, gun still smoking. Bryan followed the direction of the barrel and found that he had shot Paul... in the hair.  
  
Paul was sticking his finger in the small hole in his hair, which promptly collapsed in a messy heap. He stood up and activated Jack.  
  
"Wait, guys, maybe you should do this somewhere-"Bryan could not finish his sentence as Jack took a hearty swing at Bryan, causing him to fly though a wall and out into the street.  
  
Just then, Xiaoyu was driving along with her instructor. Her car promptly flattened Bryan.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" she screamed.  
  
"Xiaoyu! You just ran over an innocent pedestrian! You have failed your test," the instructor bellowed.  
  
"I'M SO SORRY!" Xiaoyu responded as she slammed on the brakes, causing the instructor to go flying out the window.  
  
"OH MAN, I'M REALLY SORRY!" Xiaoyu spun the car around, executing a three- point turn over Bryan's body and sped off, hitting some trash cans in the process.  
  
Bryan awoke in the lab again.  
  
"What did I just tell you!?" Abel yelled at him.  
  
"Relax, doc," was all Bryan offered as he fell out of the bed, cracking his skull in the hard metal floor. Abel slapped himself.  
  
"I'll revive him again later. Right now, I need to unwind."  
  
Abel strapped on his ASS PACK and punched himself in the face, creating another human-shaped hole in the wall.  
  
=  
  
Yay, Bryan's chapter is done. Next up: Yoshimitsu. 


	11. Yoshimitsu

Our Beloved Tekken Characters  
  
By BahamutZERO  
  
Disclaimer: It's the same as before.  
  
Chapter 11: Yoshimitsu  
  
Yoshi was walking down a dark alley. The reasons for this are unknown. Why he would walk down an alley and why the alley was dark are two questions that, quite possibly, cannot be answered. The only thing that needs to be known is that Yoshi was in this dark alley, in Tokyo, in Japan, in Asia, on Earth, in the Milky Way, and in the Local Group. Perhaps even Yoshi did not know why he was in this dark alley. Since this story is being told from a third-person omniscient point of view, it's reasonable to assume that the motives for being in this dark alley would be revealed to the reader, but they won't. Just know that Yoshi was in a dark alley and no force in the universe could change that.  
  
There was also another man in this dark alley. As you may guess, the reasons for this will not be revealed. How this man and Yoshi ended up in the same dark alley walking towards each other was not influenced by fate, destiny, or karma. It just happened and that's all that's important.  
  
The man, finding Yoshi a few feet in front of him, stopped abruptly and pulled a face mask off. He revealed himself as Heihachi Mishima. Being a big business CEO, Heihachi should be at a desk doing paperwork or whatever big business CEO's do, but instead he was walking along this dark alley in the middle of a Friday afternoon meeting someone whom he did not view in the most positive light.  
  
The two eyed each other for a moment. Why they simply eyed each other instead of speaking is completely unknown. Hell, even I don't know.  
  
But then, as if an ethereal watcher manipulating these strange occurrences (Yoshi walking down a dark alley for no apparent reason and Heihachi walking down the same alley when he should be doing paperwork), Heihachi spoke. The question he uttered was extremely important to him but by some strange and whimsical contrast, it meant absolutely nothing to Yoshi.  
  
"Where is the porn?"  
  
Yoshi responded not with a spoken word but with a curt jerk of his head in the opposite direction he was facing. Heihachi's eyes lit up and he dashed over to the dumpster Yoshi had indicated, tore open the lid, and began to rip piles and piles of pornographic material out. Yoshi sighed.  
  
"I honestly don't see why I did this for you. Don't you think you're a little old for this?" Yoshi almost kicked himself for offending the man with his use of the word "old" but Heihachi had become completely absorbed in his business; an expression of unmitigated euphoria came to his face.  
  
Seeing that Heihachi was unlikely to volunteer any answer, Yoshi spread his wings (which strangely resembled a mosquito or some other disgusting insect) and took to the air, riding over the rooftops of the crowded industrial city. Why no one saw him, will never be known. Perhaps no one noticed; perhaps they didn't care; or perhaps he was invisible while flying (even though I didn't specifically state that as fact). Regardless of the reasons, which will never be known, he was flying and no one saw him and/or alerted national authorities. That's just the way it was and nothing can change it.  
  
After flying for about an hour, he stopped. Again, the reason for this unclear but know that he just stopped. He looked around for a moment, changed direction and then took off again.  
  
After flying for another hour, he finally landed at his home. His home was basically a small hut in the middle of a dense forest. He entered the hut and found his roommate, Kunimitsu, in a state of extreme anger.  
  
Yoshi's first action when he entered was not a true action; it was more of a reaction. The sharp dirk flew through the air, spiraling directly towards Yoshi's throat. With agility not of a regular human, he dodged to the side and let the dirk fly out the door. Despite the fact that she was wearing a mask, Yoshi knew that Kunimitsu's face was completely red.  
  
"YOU STOLE MY PORN!!!!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. At first, this meant nothing to Yoshi but then it began to dawn on him. He flashbacked.  
  
-  
  
"Dammit, I want this porn and I want it right now!"  
  
"But sir, I cannot authorize any sales without express permission from the owner."  
  
Yoshi was furious. He had a job to do. He needed to deliver some porn to that old CEO. Why he so desperately needed to do this, you can probably assume that I'm not going to tell you. But the fact remains that he needed to do it. Without alerting the clerk, he slipped a few magazines at a time into a rather large duffle bag he was carrying. With the bag stuffed full, he left the store, the clerk somehow stupid enough to not question the ninja.  
  
-  
  
Yoshi figured out the ordeal in an instant.  
  
"So, you must be the owner of that porn shop?"  
  
Kunimitsu, knowing the cat was finally out of the bag, nodded her head.  
  
"And," Yoshi continued, "since all of the porn there was for men, I can only assume that you're a lesbian."  
  
"I HATE THAT WORD!!" Kunimitsu lashed out with her dirk.  
  
Yoshi could not evade the attack, but when his assailant stepped back, he looked perfectly untouched. Yoshi chuckled.  
  
"Our accuracy could use a bit of work, I see."  
  
Without warning, his left arm fell off and hit the floor with a sickening thud. He looked at the offended limb.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Kunimitsu lashed out again and Yoshi suddenly found himself with his right arm missing. Not showing any sign of letting up, Kunimitsu lashed out again at the armless Yoshi but he nimbly ducked aside and leapt to the other side of the room. Kunimitsu gave chase; they ran around the perimeter of the room for hours, neither of them gaining. Out the breath, the two stopped and decided to find a diplomatic solution.  
  
"Okay," Yoshi said in between breaths. "I have an idea to settled this. Since you have a weapon and I am literally unarmed, I think it's okay to say that you should have a free hit on me."  
  
"I see where you're going," Kunimitsu replied. "So if I miss, you win. Got it."  
  
They two took up fighting stances. Kunimitsu, in her rage, let out another blind slash. Yoshi simply took a step back and let the dirk cut nothing but air. The two stared at each other in a moment of silence; Yoshi in smugness, and Kunimitsu in disbelief.  
  
After that, Kunimitsu threw down her dirk and let out a horrifying scream.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!!! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!! I can't believe I MISSED!! AAAGGGH!!!"  
  
Yoshi could only nod in agreement, though he wondered if she was really better off since he had departed with both of his upper appendages.  
  
Kunimitsu finally calmed down and asked how Yoshi intended to finish her off. With that, Yoshi spun around behind her and punted Kunimitsu squarely in the buttocks. She blasted out of the ceiling and flew for three whole hours towards Tokyo (why it took her three hours to make the trip and why it took Yoshi only two will never be known).  
  
She landed in the middle of a street in the city. For moment, she lay there, slightly stunned. Soon, however, she looked up into the headlights of an approaching car.  
  
WHAM!!  
  
"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY!" Xiaoyu screamed, after having run over Bryan in the previous chapter. She spun the car in a 180 and slammed into side of a building.  
  
"HOLY SHIT, I'M SORRY!"  
  
She then sped off, careening over the sidewalk and barely avoiding other pedestrians. Perhaps she will one day learn to drive properly, but then again, we may never know.  
  
=  
  
As you can see, I took a different approach to this chapter. I just thought all the "know" and "not-know" stuff would help make the first part more interesting. Next chapter: Heihachi Mishima. 


	12. Heihachi Mishima

Our Beloved Tekken Characters

By BahamutZERO

Disclaimer: No need to repeat this.

Chapter 12: Heihachi Mishima

Heihachi awoke with a start. A deep blackness had enveloped his vision but it was slowly clearing, revealing his surroundings. He has expected to wake up in a hospital but instead he found himself in his bedroom. The plush carpet and towering drapes were undisturbed but he could hear the muddled voices of several people down the hall.

The old man swung his legs out the bed and sidled up next to the door, trying to listen in on the conversation. Without warning, the door burst open, knocking Heihachi to the ground.

"Whoops," said the paramedic. "Sorry about that. Your wrist is broken now."

He then burst into laughter. Heihachi's jaw dropped; what the hell?

Another paramedic came in. Both of them were Asian with teal green operating clothes. They looked professional enough, yet they were laughing at the old man and his broken wrist.

"Hey, Chuck, what happened?" the second paramedic to the first.

"Oh man, you should have seen it! I opened the door on this old fart and broke his wrist!"

They both exploded in laughter. Infuriated, Heihachi stood up, grabbed his bedside lamp, and cracked both of the paramedics on the head. Chuck yelped in surprise while his companion hit the floor, quite dead.

"Now, will you calmly tell me what happened?" Heihachi inquired.

"Well, you see," Chuck replied, oblivious to his dead comrade, "you were in the bathroom when the accident occurred."

"_What_ accident?"

"You know, your accident."

Heihachi shook his head.

"Well, shoot," Chuck said, slapping his knee. "Guess that knock on the head made you lose your memory."

"No it didn't."

"Yes it did."

"Okay."

"Anyway, when you had your accident, you slipped and fell on the floor."

Heihachi scratched his head. "What accident are you talking about?" he said, exasperated.

"You know, when you have an accident," Chuck replied. "I don't think you were wearing your diaper when it happened."

It finally dawned on the old man.

"You mean, I pissed myself?" he asked.

"Yep, that sure sums it up," Chuck replied. "You really should been wearing your-"

Heihachi cut him off. He was tired of this game. "First of all, it's not a diaper. It's called a mawashi and it's sign of honor." Chuck could only snicker.

"Secondly, where the hell are you from? You sound like you're from Texas."

Chuck slapped his knee again. "Really? I am from Japan but them rootin' tootin' Texans don't when to quit harassin' little ole me."

Heihachi stood in a state of dazed confusion. "What? I- Never mind. So how did fall on the floor?"

"I think you slipped on your piss, man."

"WHAT!?"

"Yup, you done gone and slipped in your piss. Hit yer head pretty hard, there, I'd say. Bloody hell!"

"Now you sound British."

"Indubitably."

Heihachi dismissed the schizoid and proceeded back to the where his accident had occurred. Sure enough, there was a large yellow puddle in the middle of the floor. Several paramedics were standing around it. One was tasting it.

"Hey!" Heihachi bellowed. "You sick bastard, you're drinking my urine!"

The offended paramedic stood up. "You're the one who's sick, fighting in that diaper!" he shot back in defense.

"I told you, it's a not a diaper, you-"Heihachi's cell phone rang. "Hold on a minute."

Heihachi reached into his mawashi and removed the phone.

"Eww!" the paramedic said in disgust. "That thing's been near your balls and you still answer it!?"

Heihachi ignored him as the call connected. The person was disguising his voice. "Hello, Mr. Mishima. I trust I got my message across."

"What? You mean you planned this?" Heihachi said. "How?"

"It's quite easy. While you were asleep last night, my silent assassin quietly slipped in put a pill in your morning tea. This pill causes you to piss uncontrollably at the touch of a button."

"You bastard!"

"Now, now," the voice cackled, "there's no need for obscenities. Just know that I own you now."

"Ha! I'll just give my doctor a visit and he'll fix the problem."

"Oh no, he won't. He'll just think you have an overactive bladder. It's not uncommon for some your age. How old are old now? 84?"

"I'm 74, dammit."

"Sorry, I've lost count over the years. In any case, I think you know what I want."

"A cruise?"

"No."

"A prostitute?"

"No."

"Money?"

"Well..."

"Stock options?"

"Um..."

"A cruise?"

"No, you just said-"

"A prostitute?"

"NO! I want your company! All of it! All of the money and assets will be mine! If you do not comply within two weeks, you'll piss yourself dry."

With that, the man on the other side pushed a button on a controller. Heihachi suddenly felt the need to let loose.

"SHIT!" He turned and a stream of urine flew out of his mawashi, striking a paramedic in the back.

"HEY! Stop that! Ohh, that feels good."

Heihachi emptied his bladder just as the caller spoke again. "You have seen my power. You have two weeks. That is all."

Heihachi's mind raced furiously. He needed to find this man and bring him to justice. He needed investigations. He needed the police. He needed to identify possible suspects. He suddenly needed to go again.

However, Heihachi knew there was man who could solve this case. Hong Kong's famed "supercop" was about to get a call from Heihachi Mishima.

Yes, this a special two part story. You'll have to find out what happens in Lei's chapter. Also, for those of you interested, I am not the same person who wrote the Tekken Committee. I do portray some of my characters the same way they are in the Tekken Committee but that's because it does sort of make sense to have Hwoarang a junkie, etc.


	13. Lei WuLong

Our Beloved Tekken Characters

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 13: Lei WuLong

Lei sat in the desk facing Hwoarang. The red-headed youth had stumbled into the police station, quite high, and was promptly arrested for the use of illegal substances. Lei was now questioning Hwoarang but getting absolutely no where.

"Can you tell me your last place of employment?" Lei asked. Hwoarang continued to stare into the wall.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

"Anyone there?"

Hwoarang suddenly looked up, his eyes bloodshot. "Robots in disguise," he whispered softly.

Lei perked up. "What was that?"

"Robots in disguise..." Lei shot a glance at the officer sitting next to him, writing the criminal report.

"Um, Hwoarang," Lei said slowly. "Could you clarify-"

"More than meets the eye!" Hwoarang shouted. Lei was about to stand up when Hwoarang jumped up from his chair.

"TRANFORMERS!" He then slammed into a wall and slid down into a twisted heap on the floor. Lei was silent for a moment when the officer asked, "What do you want to do with him?"

Lei shrugged. "Uh... book him."

"What's the charge?"

"He's a fuckin' wacko."

"I can't put that down as a criminal offense."

"Sure you can. Here, give me the pen." Lei took the pen and wrote "Fucking wacko" on it. "Give that to the chief. Trust me, I'm doing society a favor." The officer left. Lei called in the next person and was quite surprised to see Heihachi Mishima enter, still wearing nothing but his mawashi.

"I know it looks like a diaper but it's not," Heihachi said after seeing Lei's inquisitive expression. "Listen, I have a serious problem. Only you can get me out of it."

"This is funny," Lei said. "I was about to talk to some girl who's been driving recklessly in, like, the last two chapters and in walks this big business CEO. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Mishima?"

Without warning, Heihachi whipped out his wang and let loose with a stream of urine. It splashed all over the papers and into Lei's coffee cup. Heihachi sat down, embarrassed, while Lei looked on with a puzzled look on his face.

"Okay... thank you for... pissing on my desk. Um... so is that all?" Lei was about to take a sip from his cup when he realized that it was full of urine. He threw it over his shoulder.

"About that," Heihachi said.

And so, the CEO explained his terrible plight to the Hong Kong super cop. Now would be a good time to elaborate on an issue that might be bugging you. These events are basically taking place in the same area of the world. I know sometimes I actually state that we're in Tokyo and other times I don't mention anything. Sometimes someone that was in Tokyo may interact suddenly with someone who was not in Tokyo but just be assured that consistency is not one of my good points. Anyway...

Lei, after taking in the old man's story, was not the least bit intimidated. He had dealt with all sorts of criminal scum and he was shocked to think that someone would go this far; far enough to implant this evil device which would make this poor old man urinate on the spot (the urine on Lei's desk was now giving off a funny smell).

"Alright, dickhead, let's hear the recording of the conversation between you and the other guy," Lei said.

"Hold it, did you just call me a dickhead?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I think it's because the author really didn't know how to transition this part so he just threw in the dickhead thing for good measure."

"Oh."

Heihachi pulled out a tape and put it into the player. He pressed play and they listened to the recording. Lei listened intently; he recognized that voice.

"I think I know who is behind all this," Lei finally announced.

"Who?"

"Ready for a dramatic revelation? It is none other than:

BRUCE IRVIN!1112"

DUN DUN DUN

(Author's note: I added the "DUN DUN DUN" for a dramatic effect but I think it was piss-poor. Anyway, this will be resolved in the next chapter)


End file.
